Dreams of Panama

Most of you know I'm leaving for Panama in 9 days - yes just 9 short days!!! I'm excited and expectant. I want to connect with the locals while I'm there and experience THEM rather than focusing on what we're doing FOR them. May I learn that they have a lot of things better than my little American way of life. Let me learn from THEIR culture. Let me not think of American solutions to what I may perceive as Panamanian problems.

OK - I just had to get that out. That's the reason I'm going to Panama for those of you wondering if I'm nervous or afraid of the hard labor in building houses. Nope, not at all. That's not what it's about in my mind.

Love you all - TJ

A Friendship Version of 1 Corinthians

Our pastor’s wife read “A Mom’s Version of 1 Corinthians 13” on Mother’s Day. I got to thinking of what 1 Corinthians 13 would be if it were a “friendship” version. Please note that I am NOT adding to the Bible, merely explaining in my words what I think 1 Corinthians 13 looks like in our friendships.


If I give unsolicited advice and have not love, my words will fall on deaf ears. If I have the gift of helping others but end up stepping in too often or forcefully, I end up merely enabling or creating codependency. If I am too busy to spend time listening and hearing what my friends have to say, I am not a loving friend at all.

A loving friend patiently waits for her friend to tell the waiter how to precisely fix her steak and salad while all the patrons around them stare. A loving friend speaks words of kindness when she wants to ring her friend’s neck for making unhealthy decisions. A loving friend is not envious of the brand new Mercedes parked in her friend’s garage. A loving friend does not brag about the new Audi parked in her own garage. A loving friend speaks in a loving tone of voice. A loving friend goes without complaining to a movie, play or restaurant that is not her favorite, but the favorite of her friend. A loving friend does not yell at her friend when she hurts her. A loving friend doesn’t hold a grudge when a fleeting high school memory of her friend getting together with the boy she originally had a crush on. A loving friend does not snicker when her friend suffers consequences of bad decisions. A loving friend rejoices with others. A loving friend hugs her friends so they know how much they are loved and treasured. A loving friend doesn’t gossip but shows trustworthiness. A loving friend always look with hope for her friends future. A loving friend hangs on through thick and thin to those healthy friendships. Loving, Christ-like friendships never fail.

Where do I belong?

I received a Martina McBride CD for Mother's Day and one of the songs "When You Love Me" has the following first verse:

Sometimes I feel like I never quite fit in
Like I'm always a little out of place
It's hard to be everything to everyone
There's so many roles I have to play
Sometimes I'm just barely hanging on
Seems like I'm always fighting to be strong
To find somewhere that I belong


Wow...did she read my mind?

I don't know specifically right now where God wants me serving - with kids? with women? with teens? some place I don't even know about yet? I'm waiting, waiting, waiting for God to tell me. In the meantime, I truly feel like I don't quite fit in and am out of place. A lot of people in my world circle think I have it together, am strong, happy, etc. Yes, I have a LOT of joy in my life but no I don't have it together and wish I could be myself and still feel like I fit in. Know what I mean?

Tribute to my mother-in-law

Yesterday was the 4th anniversary of the passing of Gary's mom. I met her on Thanksgiving Day, 1999. She was beginning to battle breast cancer for a second time. For the following 5 years, we never heard her complain about the pain she was in or the lengthy treatments she endured. She continued to do the things she loved as she was able - sew, quilt, spend time with her kids and grandkids and watch Gene Autry movies. It was so cool that she was able to spend Mother's Day with her 3 boys. We knew she was fading fast, but she relished every moment of that day. She spent time talking with each of her grandkids telling them how much she loved them. Each of the boys gave her a Mother's Day card in which they poured their hearts out to her. 1 week before she passed away she made a decision that allowed her to know with certainty that she would be spending eternity with Christ. Gary and I silently cried tears of joy knowing we'll be able to see her again. A week later we knelt by her bedside as she breathed her last in peace. I hope if I ever have to face a life-threatening illness that I can be as strong as she was and face each day with the mindset of continuing to do the things I love. I miss Harriet and am so glad she brought my best friend and husband into this world.

The Shack by William P Young

Like a lot of people, I just finished reading The Shack. Some things that stood out to me:

Page 24 - "Nothing makes us so lonely as our secrets" - Paul Tournier (Swiss physician and counselor). I don't really hold secrets from others. I don't tell everyone all of my ugliness, but if it's appropriate and/or if someone asks me a question about my past or current "secrets" I tell them. For a long time I didn't do that and yes, it was lonely. If you hold on to secrets, why? Do you think that if someone knew the ugliness we all have in common that they would stop loving you? It takes a risk, but it's part of learning what true love is.

Page 89 - I loved this - listen up to what God tells one of his kids: "You're not supposed to do anything. You're free to do whatever you like...Don't go because you feel obligated. That won't get you any points around here. Go because it's what you want to do." I can relate to this as a wife. I once was upset with GR because I saw a diamond ring (I think it was around $750.00) that I thought would be a nice upgrade from the $80 gold band he bought me originally. I showed the ring to him and he was like "yeah, buy it if you want it." If you're a wife you may be able to relate to the fact that I wanted him to buy it for me because he thought I deserved it. Long story short, his daughter explained this to him, while I walked the mall seething. I came back and he was purchasing the ring for me. Do you know what I told GR? "Don't buy the ring because you feel like you have to. Buy it because you want to." I wear the ring everyday. How often do I do things because I think God wants me to, not necessarily that I want to? Honestly, there are weekends when the last thing I want to do is go to church, but I start to think that's what I'm supposed to do so I do it. Don't get me wrong, I'm generally glad that I go, but am I going because I want to?

Page 92 - God tells one of his children "If you let me, I'll be the Papa you never had." Even though my dad was certainly not perfect and hurt me at times, I still thought he was pretty much the best dad in the world. This is a picture of my dad and I when I was 15 and we were visiting my grandma. We let each other down quite a bit over the years. My getting to know God has definitely helped me to see the kind of man my dad was trying to be.

Page 170 - Just as the main character no longer wanted to have The Great Sadness as part of his identity any longer, there are parts of me that I no longer want to have as part of my identity. I'm getting to where I don't like the following as part of my identity: my Jehovah's Witness background, my battle with anorexia, abuse survivor. I only want to discuss them if they'll be helpful to someone but I want to move away from these 3 things so badly. Help me.

I highly recommend this thought provoking book. Perhaps I'll write more later. Toodles...